Living out Loud: All in the Family

Posted on July 2, 2010 at 10:56 am in

The Storm

A Short Collection of Poems

Written for my Family

 

To my family—

Though I see each of you in a different light, you have all taught

Me a deep and fundamental appreciation

Of nature

And the thunderstorm

Though storms will rise and fade,

You remain with me

And each thunderstorm

Brings me closer to you

 


Dear Dad—

I remember

When I was a little girl

Before we moved away

How we used to sit outside on the porch

And watch the lightning

Dance across the sky.

Tonight, I have moved back

And you are not here

But I sit outside my door

And marvel at the raw power

As the lightning splits the night sky

Bright bursts

Pure white light

Illuminating the ghostly trails of

Low clouds as they rise

Through the sky

Wince

As the thunder shakes the ground below me.

I love to watch the thunderstorms, dad

It reminds me of you

And the happy times of childhood

So long ago—

When we sat on the porch

And watched the lightning dance.

Thank you

For this gift.


Dear Mom—

Tonight I am farther away from you

Than I’ve ever really felt—

But I can feel you here with me.

The same storm rolls through the sky

The rain pours in torrents

Running off the roof in great founts

The lightning flickers across the sky

Freezing life for a moment

The delicate crystal raindrops hanging in the

Darkened sky

Are beautiful.

They are you, bringing nourishment and life

To all they touch

In an infinitely dynamic beauty—

Ever changing.

Each raindrop

Leaving its own unique

And irrevocable, yet gentle mark

On the life it touches.

Thank you

For being my rain.


Dear Grandpa—

Years ago—

I was seven, I think

You asked me what thunder was.

I didn’t know then

That the rolling, booming sound

Was the sound of lightning

And the raw energy release

Of nature.

It is that energy of mind

And thirst of knowledge

That I remember best about you.

Whenever thunder thrums across the sky—

I remember you.

Thank you

For teaching me

The science of the storm.

Christina D. Steel

06 June 2001

Ó All rights reserved.

Living out Loud: The People in Your Neighbourhood

Posted on May 15, 2010 at 11:38 am in

This is well after the submission date, and it’s unlikely that anyone will read it. But I decided to participate in LoL, and so I will write this even late.

Neighbourhoods. I’ve basically lived in four, though I might call it five. The brief list: Virginia Beach, where I spent the first 5 years of life, Floyd, where I grew up, Radford, where I went to college, and two in Norfolk: my grandparent’s and my current one.

This is a difficult topic for me (not that Genie ever seems to choose easy ones). Mostly, it’s because of my lack of experience.

My remembrances of the early days post-move to the country are possibly inaccurate; I was young, and things may be out of order. If you asked my parents, you would get a different story. But these are my memories, not theirs; it is our memories that make our past known to us, and give us an indication of self.

In November 1983 (yikes!), we moved to the middle of nowhere. I didn’t know, or understand, what was really happening. I knew we were moving. I probably thought it would be a grand adventure. I had been to a couple of other homes that my parents looked at. However, I had no knowledge of this place. I remember driving for hours across the state of Virginia, and it was dark when we got to the town of Floyd. We had dinner at the Blue Ridge Café. I was tired, but otherwise excited. I had no idea what the area looked like—it was a dark mystery. We continued toward the new house. It wasn’t new. (Yes, this is a story about neighbours, not moving, I promise). We got to the top of the “hill” and climbed out of the car. The dogs were excited, new smells, and being cooped up all day meant they were eager to get out and explore. I was too. I remember being the first through the door, though I probably wasn’t. Stumbling in the darkness, I went into the kitchen. I think my mom turned on a light switch. And the lights came on! My parents were pleasantly surprised—they hadn’t made provisions for electricity yet (oops). More than that, the heat was on and running, so it was warm! Who leaves the heat on for the next owners? The neighbours. We bought the house from a family in who lived just down the hill. The house had become too big for the two older adults (getting elderly by my standards then; they are still alive). They moved in with their daughter down the hill and became our neighbours. I think most of our neighbours are actually one big extended family; they all seem to be related somehow or other. Don’t ask me; I can’t explain it. We camped on the floors that night (I slept in what would become the library). One of the dogs pooed in the back bedroom (which, much to my lack of delight, would become my bedroom). The next morning, I went outside to discover that I lived on a MOUNTAIN. I’d never SEEN a hill the size of the one I lived on! No other houses nearby, by my standards, though I could see two small brick ranch-style homes down in the valley. Our closest neighbours. I didn’t know them yet.

Late fall gave way to hard winter. It was probably January or February. It was our first hard winter, of many to come. The power failed in a snowstorm, and with it, the heat. The old house dropped to unliveable temperatures. We didn’t have wood stoves, only the electrically-powered gas furnace. Even the fireplaces were bricked over and unusable. I remember the pipes freezing, my parents don’t. No running water—the pump to the spring house was electrical. I remember them telling me it was 30 below outside, and it very likely wasn’t, even with wind-chill. But it was below zero. Our neighbours invited us to stay with them. They didn’t have electricity either, but they did have wood stoves, which meant heat and hot food. The one morning I particularly recall was breakfast: a fairly typical country breakfast, with eggs, biscuits and gravy, country-style sausage, and hot applesauce. I loved the applesauce. I think we were only there about three days until power was restored. They took us in and helped out the newcomers, told my dad about the old furnace’s quirks—they were neighbourly. Good people. Very Christian, in all good senses of the word. They included us in Christmas that year, and many afterwards; I still have the Bible that I was given that first year, and oddly, I treasure it. We joined them in church for a time; I played with one of the children, who was near my age (two years older, I think, but SO much older!). Over the years, they helped my family with so many things: rescuing children (me, tangled in a barbed wire fence), alternate ways to get to school when the bridge washed away in spring floods (which happened more than once), ice-driving adventures, digging holes (my dad’s passion seems to be moving large piles of dirt), transportation when our cars were broken… even assisting the fire department when our garage burned down. They saw the flames before we did, they called, and they cut the chain on our gate to open it for the fire truck. They still help my parents today. When we can, we help them as well; for years, my father would till gardens for them every spring. It seems small in comparison, but we didn’t have much. It’s the only time I really think I’ve lived in a community. Some of the neighbours were stand-offish; rude, drunkards, nosy… but generally helpful nonetheless. Sometimes I miss it. This past winter, I visited my parents. The newest neighbours invited us down for a post-Christmas party. Much to my surprise, we went (my parents are really stay-at-home types). It was fun, and a little nostalgic.

Fast-forward by twenty years. My new neighbourhood is nothing like the one I grew up in. My apartment complex is a generally nice place. When I first moved in, I met the neighbours: an elderly couple and an older, disabled gentleman who lived in the apartment beneath mine. Many of the residents had lived here 20 years or more; one still does. Within a year, one of my neighbours had died and his wife was forced to move out. The one below us, however, stayed there for several more years, and we helped him often. When Hurricane Isabel came through, we lost power. I couldn’t provide heat, of course, or electricity. But I had learned to do without power growing up—it doesn’t scare me or bother me. I had hot coffee. I was a GOD. Well, close enough! And I happily shared with my neighbours. As my downstairs neighbour got older, he eventually had to move into an assisted-living facility. I helped his children move some things out of his apartment. They didn’t know what they were going to do with his IMMENSE collection of old vinyl records, which span classical, blues, jazz, swing, and big band (with a few oddballs mixed in). They told me how happy he would be to know that someone would love and appreciate his music. It still makes me smile, and I still have them. I’m working on converting them to digital format—his memorial legacy.

Most of my neighbours now are essentially strangers. All I recognise and greet; some I have socialised with a little, but I don’t “know” any of them, really. As I write this, another set of neighbours are fixin’ to leave (for those who did not grow up in the sticks, this means they are getting ready to move out). I wonder who my new neighbours will be? Will I know them? Will I like them? Will I ever even speak to them?

Easter?

Posted on April 6, 2010 at 2:25 pm in

I don’t “do” Easter. I’m not religious, so the holiday has basically no meaning for me. No, I never believed in the Easter bunny. Would be nice.

This did not, however, release me from some sort of weird compulsion to fix an Easter dinner. Does anyone else suffer from that? The “it’s not my holiday, but I’m going to observe the parts of it I want to anyway” syndrome?

Have I mentioned that Epicurious is my friend? I’ve been on that site since the first week I had a computer. I am SO totally a foodie at heart.

The menu included:

Old-Fashioned Ham with Brown Sugar and Mustard Glaze

This was traditional but good. We only dealt with a 2 lb ham, which will soon vanish from the leftover vault.

Zucchini Carpaccio with Ricotta Cheese

This is going to be FANTASTIC in the summer. I can’t imagine how good it will be with home-grown zucchini, and one of these days I’ll try making the ricotta myself; it’s looks super-easy.

Mashed Red Potatoes with Parmesan, Asiago, Romano

No recipe link for this one; I just boiled some new potatoes, added butter, fat-free half and half, and some of my favourite 3-cheese blend.

Challah. This was the first bread I fell in love with. This time around, the recipe came from Bernard Clayton’s Big Book of Bread. I would omit the sugar from the glaze next time. Someday, I hope to do this bread with poppyseeds rather than sesame, but I have to substitute due to concerns about work-related drug testing (not for me). And oh, yes, I did burn a piece of dough, and yes, I used real saffron.

Dinner was served with a drink of my own creation: I took some frozen white grape-peach juice concentrate (about 1 Tbsp) and topped it with Prosecco in fluted glasses. It was good!

 

And, finally, dessert. Carrot halwa.

I love carrot cake, but this had me drooling. So I sacrificed some old baby carrots and made it. I did not have cashews on hand (and they were forgotten at the grocery store), so I toasted some almonds and macadamia nuts. That was a mistake. I would like it better without the toasted nuts; they’re distracting and borderline unpleasant in this dish. I also found that I totally love it topped with a dollop of yoghurt. I will very likely try this again. Any excuse to use my cardamom!

 

I don’t usually blog about my food/cooking experiments, but I was rather proud of everything I made. So skip this entry if you want to (now that it’s too late).

 

 

Here’s to productive weekends!

Posted on March 31, 2010 at 10:53 am in

My to-do list this weekend was very short: AVOID PEOPLE. ALL PEOPLE.

I accomplished some of that, but I was unusually productive for me, for a weekend.

I got my mousie houses cleaned (whew!), laundry done (yay), watched movies (I’ll come back to that), visited with a friend, and made dinner Sunday night. I made spaghetti—as in, got out the pasta maker and MADE the spaghetti. And I baked bread to go with it. And I got the kitchen cleaned up after myself (hurrah)!

I also got my bedroom cleaned up. I tend to accumulate coffee cups as the week progresses. Sigh. I try to be good about it, but I’m seriously not at my best first thing in the morning, so I tend to scurry out the door in a fog.

Regarding the movies: Lethal Weapon 1, Lethal Weapon 2, and then… the Andromeda Strain miniseries.

<RANT MODE ON>I don’t even know what to say. Yes, I do. It was horrific. The science was so badly done it wasn’t even something I could laugh at (scream at, yes). It was a very good commentary on why people in our country are, in general, so mistrustful of science. Hmmm. Let’s see, you expose a lab rat to something you think will cause disease, and sure enough, it dies. The next thing you do is….???? Anyone?

 

AUTOPSY IT. (Necropsy, if you want to be all nice and technical). You do NOT immediately expose another rat to the body of the first one.

Seriously. In the realms of bad science, this took a new award. They messed up biology, chemistry, physics, meterology (have you EVER seen a weather system move East to West in the continental US? Have you ever heard of the JET STREAM? Do you KNOW what the weather channel is???)….

So here they are working with a highly infectious agent. Now, me, I’d want at least a BSL (biosafety level) 4 positive pressure suit (think Ebola). Positive pressure suits mean if you’re nicked, air flows OUT of your suit to keep stuff from getting IN. The best/worst scene? They’re looking at thing under a dissecting microscope, in open air, in T-shirts! No masks, gloves, suits, nothing, and this is for an AIRBORNE disease! Nice, huh? Even better, they say they’re looking at its chemical composition. Which, for the record, is completely impossible with that type of microscope. Electron microscope, maybe; dissecting light microscope, NOPE. Then, they cure the disease using Bacillus infernus. If they had BOTHERED to read anything about the bacterium, it doesn’t live in ocean depths, it was isolated in Virginia, it does NOT eat sulfur, it won’t LIVE under the conditions they claimed, it’s not a member of Archaea, and it won’t magically clean up an alien infectious agent from the atmosphere, ground, and water.

Really, I should stop now. </RANT MODE OFF>

 

I was pretty proud of everything I did this weekend. I started my week feeling refreshed. And that is a very, very good idea.

DST is EVIL

Posted on March 16, 2010 at 7:52 pm in

Okay. Over this past weekend, we reset the clocks. This is nothing new in my life; every year we do it twice, for as long as I’ve been alive. But GEEZ I hate having to do it. It’s partly the hassle of having to change every single timepiece, the headache of realizing half my watches have dead batteries (and therefore getting them replaced), and NEVER feeling quite certain the clock you’re looking at has the correct time. I blessed computers when they started updating automatically—it was one less clock to reset. I inherited a peculiarity of my grandfather’s, too. My clocks MUST be synchronized to the minute. I would do the second if possible, but most of mine don’t actually indicate seconds. So I try my utmost to get it as close as possible, eyeing a computer until it clicks over :00 seconds and punching the button as fast as I can. What good does this do me? NONE. They don’t stay synchronized. It bugs the heck out of me.

The secondary, and far more compelling, issue behind resetting the clocks is that is massively screws up my circadian rhythm. This spells insta-migraine. And at least a week’s worth of exhaustion and irritability. Damn it, I’m TIRED. I just want my hour of sleep back. NOW, not in the fall! I don’t mind the fall reset quite as much initially, but it still mucks with your sleep-wake cycle.

I was unbelievably unhappy with the decision to extend Daylight Saving’s Time to “save money” in the economic downturn. The sun comes up when it comes up; it goes down when it goes down. I use electric lights when/if I need them. Lights are only a tiny fraction of my electric bill; I’ve switched to compact fluorescent in all receptacles that will take them. I’d much rather be able to reduce my HEAT and AIR CONDITIONING costs!

So, for the next few days, I will be whiny and tired. The rest of the world can just deal with it; I’m sure many feel the same way!

Living out Loud: Prêt-à-porter

Posted on March 15, 2010 at 4:13 pm in

This month’s Living out Loud topic is one that I am both drawn to and repelled by. I’m female: writing about my relationship with clothing should be easy, right? Yes and no. To choose one piece of clothing, jewelry, shoes, etc. that I have an attachment to? That was something I had to think about for a few hours after I read the topic. I write these entries very stream-of-consciousness, about the first thing(s) I think about when I read the topic. A garment popped into my mind. Then I procrastinated, because I really fear this one.

There is an item of clothing. It has a story. And it is the first formal gown I purchased for myself.

In December 2008, I was scheduled to be hooded for my Ph.D. I planned how to deal with transportation for my parents, where I would like to go for my celebration afterwards, invited friends and family, ordered my graduation announcements, cap and gown, etc. I worried a fair amount over the “party” dress. I had figured out my sense of style in SecondLife (yes, I have avatars there), and so I had a few ideas of what I would like. I finally narrowed my choices down to one dress (and yes, that’s it, on the right). I wanted to be graceful, elegant, and sexy; I had never owned a formal gown before, and I hadn’t worn one since my high school prom.

I measured in triplicate, compared my numbers to the fitting chart, and, of course, discovered that I was between sizes. I decided to go up a size rather than down-you can take in a dress, but not always let one out. The return policy was quite clear and fairly unforgiving. I ordered my fantasy gown. I received it a couple of weeks before the event. I was nervous on pins and needles waiting-would it look like the photo? Would it FIT? Would it look good ON me?

During this time, my parents decided that they would not be able to attend due to winter weather concerns. Mostly, concerns about their pets if the weather was bad, but also concerns about getting out of, and back into, their home. This was less than 2 weeks before graduation. I already had the tickets. I was completely, utterly crushed. I felt like I was less important to them than their pets (especially their dogs). I felt like 90% of my reason for walking in the stupid ceremony had just vanished into thin air. I thought it was unfair of them to cancel at the last minute like that. They could make it to my Bachelor’s ceremony, but not my DOCTORAL one? Because they were afraid the weather and animals MIGHT not be ok? Even though the neighbors had offered to care for the pets for a couple of days?

The dress arrived. I was excited when I took it out of the box. It looks JUST like the picture. I couldn’t wait to try it on! Then reality hit me. I’d forgotten, for one lovely, fantastic moment, that I do longer had a reason to wear it. That I’d just flushed away $175 on a dress without a cause. All of my hurt, anger, pain, and resentment boiled in me—and the dress took the blame. Well, not exactly: I knew it wasn’t the dress’s fault, and I didn’t blame the garment, but in that instant it became symbolic of a destroyed dream, something I had really worked through hell for, and wow, I thought I actually deserved a really great party. That I had finally achieved something that even I thought was worth celebrating. I didn’t want to speak to my parents again. Ever. And I wanted to burn the dress. I literally wanted to watch the thing go up in glittering, flickery sparks and ash, to expunge the poisonous feeling of betrayal that it made me feel. I loathed what it stood for, though I still saw its beauty.

I put on my big-girl panties and rescheduled my graduation for the much more temperate and forgiving May of 2009. I did not plan a party. My parents were all but tripping over themselves in their gratitude. I was still wounded. I couldn’t bring myself to plan another party. I didn’t get invitations, I didn’t get announcements, I didn’t believe any of it would actually come to pass anyway, anymore. And ultimately I was not disappointed in that, either; though when May came around, I briefly wondered whether coppery bronze could be an acceptable dress color for spring.

My parents didn’t come. For two major reasons. One, they couldn’t bring their dogs (yes, I have a Ph.D. and I rank below DOGS). And two, because of delays, I wasn’t officially being awarded my “sheepskin” that day. Did they understand that nobody got handed the real deal? It’s not done that way anymore. It didn’t, and doesn’t, matter. Intellectually I have come to understand that there are other, more compelling reasons than dogs behind their refusal to attend. Emotionally it will never matter, and I will always resent the emotional hell it put me through TWICE. Not to mention resenting their dogs. Neither parent understands why I can’t coo over their sweet, loving, adorable dogs.

I still have the dress. It still haunts me, and I can’t entirely bear to look at it. I know I should donate it as a prom gown. It still has the tags on and has never been worn. Why do I keep it? For one, it is my first formal dress. For two, I keep hoping, that somewhere, someday, I will have another reason to need a formal dress, and then I can replace the bitter memories with happy ones. Besides, I have the perfect shoes.

Explanations

Posted on March 8, 2010 at 12:49 pm in

I realised that the title of my blog, Chronicles of a 30-year-old teen, required some updating and further explanation.

There are actually several reasons I chose that. First and foremost, I started a blog on Yahoo some time ago. It never went anywhere (then again, don’t expect this one to, either—I ramble). So I started a new one, the web server got harfed, and I restarted. I must have been feeling rather determined. But I never explained why my blog is called what it is. In the beginning, two years ago, I changed my method of birth control, which left me a hormonal mess. My body went haywire, and my emotions followed suit. That part is still wildly accurate, since I haven’t settled into anything vaguely resembling a normal hormonal cycle. They’re few and far between, but when they do happen, I feel like a teen just entering puberty. At about the same time I was having a major rosacea flare-up, which made me feel even more like an awkward teenager. At least now it’s without the bad skin.

 

But I noticed something else. When I think about who I am, fundamentally, I still tend to think of myself as the person I knew me to be when I was a teenager: gothic, dark, depressed, creative with words, linguistically talented, and sorely beset by the unfairness of the world. I had one best friend that helped shape my image of myself. I am still very locked in to that understanding of myself and it tears me up that pieces of me are missing. I’m no longer goth, but I do play one on Halloween. Dark and depressed, yes; part of that is biochemical, and even with modern antidepressants, that aspect of my personality doesn’t vanish. Creative with words? I used to write poetry. Some of it was very good. None of it survived—I had a policy about such things. Once written, poetry had to be destroyed. It was too close, too personal, too telling; some secrets are better left kept. I wanted to live in a castle (draughty, cold, and miserable with only firelight for company)—who doesn’t? I wanted to write with a quill and ink (which I now have). I wanted the romanticised version of the middle ages, all chivalry and honour. Honour weighed heavily on me then. I needed that for my creativity, as I needed my darkness.

 

I am not the same person that I was then. My facility with words was replaced by a trained understanding of scientific writing, which is pretty nearly the polar opposite of creative writing. My language talent is rusty and unused, and while I still learn new languages with more facility than my peers, the absorbency my mind once had is dwindling as the sponge dries and crustifies. No, that’s not a real word, but an apt description.

 

Even as I went through college, parts of me disappeared. Crucial parts. My best friend died, which left me without someone I could tell anything to. That’s a story for another day. I’m not sure how to explain it. The more I learned, the less I knew (that is typical of science), but it felt like wisdom was seeping out of me. It felt like I was slipping away, gradually being eroded as I was reshaped (now that I look back on it). I need to explore who I have become—but the more I learn about this new person, the less I like her. In some areas, she is very responsible, but in most, she acts like a spoiled teen. I feel like I’ve been stripped down and rebuilt, but not into a better person at all. My sense of honour still exists, but by my own definition, I don’t have it. I have cheated, lied, stolen (actually, that was when I was younger); I have violated my sense of self, I fail to do things that I know should, and must, be done. I mismanage time and money, and it leads to a lot of stress.

 

Where did I go wrong? I’m not sure I did. I’m not certain that it wasn’t unavoidable. As we mature, we acquire new freedoms and responsibilities, and how we interact with those changes who we fundamentally are. I didn’t have to get up and go to a job. I didn’t have to pay bills. I couldn’t drive, and I couldn’t legally consume alcohol. I couldn’t vote. The unfairness of the world is still there; it’s fundamental. It’s a matter of perspective. The world doesn’t care about me, nor should it. Most people are concerned with themselves. Animals are concerned with themselves. Plants, if they have concerns, are also egocentric. This is the way things are, and it is best to accept that and set your expectations accordingly. You cannot predict what the world will be like. Things are as they are, and life does not revolve around us as individuals; we go about our daily lives not worrying about the impact beyond ourselves. How will my daily commute affect someone in Colorado? Would it, could it? Who knows. *I* think it’s unlikely and therefore not worth worrying about… but what does the person in Colorado think?

 

How do I integrate the old-me with the new-me? Are they already there, merged, and I can’t see it? Can one reclaim honour and integrity? Can we learn to take the best parts of ourselves, the ones that we can’t function without, and keep them while we grow, or is it necessary to periodically purge ourselves as we purge our junk-drawer?

 

Am I still a teen?

Happiness, Revised

Posted on March 8, 2010 at 12:13 pm in

In my LoL vol. 14 post, I described how I would like to retire. Along those lines, I have accrued several of the necessary items.

Book? Check. I have tons.

Cat? Check-recently acquired Mickey, who belonged to a friend. She’s 10.5 years old, which means she probably won’t be alive when I retire unless I have to rename her Lazarus-kitty, but it’s an important contributor to happiness. Now, about the “cat in my lap” bit—I need to revise this to “educated cat who will curl up in my LAP rather than on my CHEST” due to unforeseen circumstances.

Chair? Not yet.

Wine? Ran out.

Test Post

Posted on March 7, 2010 at 1:15 am in

This evening (it’s 1am, I haven’t been to bed, so it’s still evening/night), I’ve been trying out the Office 2010 beta. There are some functionalities that I really do like… not the least of which is graphics editing that is seamlessly integrated in Office (finally!). I love being able to import flash directly into Powerpoint-great teaching aid, and about time. And they have-or are working on-social networking integration. It’s making my poor little system crawl, but it’s somewhat usable, and this is for no purpose other than playing around with new things I haven’t been able to do before (such as post directly from Word).

Living out loud…

Posted on March 1, 2010 at 12:23 am in

This month’s topic for LOL is retirement. Specifically, what, if any, plans we have for our retirement. It’s a good topic. Retirement seems like a far-off dream, but it’s starting to frighten me. I’m now in the “summer years” of my life, and as the days blur into weeks, then months, the pace of the blur is increasing.  I am becoming more cognizant that time is short and limited, and that I will not be young forever.  It is time to start making plans–and more, to start EXECUTING them.  Thus sayeth the master procrastinator.

Once upon a time, you could work for a company for 20 years and earn a pension. With a few rare exceptions, those days are gone. I have only just completed my education, and so I feel like I am really just starting my adult life. Worse, I don’t feel I’m in a position to do anything proactive about retirement. I amassed a staggering amount of student loan debt in getting my Ph.D., and retirement concerns are taking a backseat to my primary concerns about needing to deal with that. I should inform you that a Ph.D. does not in any way disqualify you from asking if your customer wants fries with that. Jobs are few and far between, and for a science-academic, you have three basic options after finishing that degree.

One, go work for industry (if there are any or if you are able/willing to relocate). This option is massively discouraged in academia today, as though there is something inherently wrong, evil, and mercenary about working for a company where your data is not your own. Many also feel that it is scientifically unsound, given that you as a researcher may be more likely to experience “enforced bias” in your results. Although I realise that this may not be accurate, it is a huge part of the perception. There is no guarantee of job stability, and retirement options are IRA/401K type investments. Most industry positions are looking for Ph.D. candidates with a few years of postdoctoral experience (read as more “education” without another degree, and squalid pay).

The next option is to attempt to achieve the “holy grail” of academia: a tenure-track position with a college or university. Research-oriented (larger) schools basically require that you have a grant, and assume that you will run a successful, bountiful (income-producing) research program in addition to some sparse teaching duties. To get a grant, you typically need, you guessed it, postdoctoral research time. In fairness, postdoc salary levels are improving, but still not competitive with industry, nor will they ameliorate pain from student loans. This is additional training so that you can become a productive, grant-garnering researcher capable of running a good, solid scientific research program. This training is NECESSARY if that is what you want to do. My perspective changed markedly in the last few months of my Ph.D. I found myself wishing I had more time to pursue my research; there were more questions I wanted to address, more experiments I wanted to do, to fill in the holes in my knowledge. While I was far more comfortable planning and executing individual experiments, I do not think that I could design and run a full-fledged research program. So, if I wanted to research, that would be my best option. Postdocs do not come with retirement (they often do not come with benefits, either).
The third option is to find a position at a community college or a liberal arts college that is teaching-oriented. Research is not required, but if you land a grant, it’s fantastic. Your time is spent in the classroom. The pay varies; as adjunct (part-time) it is slim. As a full-time faculty member, it is better, and job security is reasonable, but these jobs are not widely available either, especially at state institutions in the current economic situation. Ahh, for the comfort and security of tenure-track. Of course, these salaries still do not compete well against full-time salaried employees of industry or research faculty.
So what’s a poor little doc to do? The general consensus seems to be… “do you want fries with that?”
No. It’s not quite that grim. But I do want people to understand that a Ph.D. by itself doesn’t magically open doors to high-paying, high-powered jobs. Especially if you find yourself feeling selective about the type of research you might be willing to do.
So, in a nutshell, my retirement is in my own, rather incompetent hands. I certainly do not trust the government to provide me with social security in 35 years when I reach retirement age. I don’t think it will exist in our current form. I laugh when I get my statements from the Social Security Administration. Besides which, it is NOT enough to live on. I am afraid of being one of those old women who have to eat cat food because spam is too expensive.
The other side of the equation is the loneliness factor. You see, I’m unmarried; I don’t have a spouse that I can “plan retirement” with, or that I think I will see 70 with. I don’t have kids. I have to plan on being alone. It is scary, perhaps even terrifying. How will I know if I need to move to an assisted living facility? Will I still have the judgment (or resources) to make that call? Will I be the insane old cat lady?

All that said, I do have WANTS for my retirement.  I think I honestly started dreaming of retirement when I was about 10.  I hadn’t even started working yet.  My dream is oddly simple: I want a good comfy chair (preferably leather recliner), a good book (I’m a one-at-a-time reader), a glass of wine, and a cat in my lap.  As I got older, I added a fireplace to my fantasy.  I don’t want to travel when I’m too old to enjoy it, I want to experience that while I’m still (relatively) young, and have those memories with me as I age.  Simply put, I want to feel… peaceful.

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